I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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