So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
