I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
