why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
