my phone needs a breathalizer
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
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Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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