If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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