he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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