I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
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Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She's the barista slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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