roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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