I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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