Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
