...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
