I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Where is the hickey?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
