yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
