it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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