I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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