I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
