While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
