just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
