now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My ATM looks so different sober.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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