How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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