You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
