You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
