We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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