I faked an abortion last night.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
