I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
