He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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