If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
