You're my little dorito
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
time to smoke my breakfast
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
