Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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