I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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