Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
