sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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