hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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