Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
my liver is dry heaving
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