I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
