Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
