A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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