I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
