Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I believe in your delicious
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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