he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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