Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
