Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
