Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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