that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
