it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
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Everyone says I win the strip club
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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