SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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