He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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