Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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