I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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