So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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