Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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