Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
