GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
