so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
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The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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