i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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