Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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