Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
